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I FIXED THIS CRAIGSLIST AD

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Here is a REAL Craiglist ad which Jezebel.com hipped me to. It’s from two douchebag parents-to-be looking for a birth photographer…and boy do they think they’re the bee’s knees. It has since been taken down, no doubt due to the vitriol response from all normal human beings, INCLUDING MOI. Once you’ve read the original, check out how I FIXED IT.

ORIGINAL CRAIGSLIST AD:
We are an early 30’s, very photogenic couple. We want a photographer with a tasteful, but artistic eye for composition to be present and shooting throughout the birth of our son. The attached photos are examples of the kind of work we’re looking for, although we hope for some even more imaginative frames…

We are planning an all-natural water birth. It will be at a hospital, but at a birthing center where only the two of us and the midwife will be present in the room. You will have creative license to shoot everything from the moment you arrive until the moment you leave after the baby is born. This isn’t for the squeamish, but there is a lot of poetry and authenticity in a birth, so we’re hoping that you will be creatively inspired and some amazing photography will come of this…

He is a tall, handsome muscular artist who is covered in original (not cliche) tattoos.
She is a beautiful and petite Japanese woman with the guts (no pun intended) to go through birth without any medications, interventions or Western medical ideas about how a baby should be born. It will be very intimate.

Pay is negotiable. We’re hoping you’re so intrigued and creatively inspired that you’ll do it for free. If not, and your portfolio shows that you’re worth it, we would be willing to pay $150. Please email contact info and a link where we can see some of your work to the reply link on this posting. Our son will be born sometime in the next two weeks. You will have to be on-call the same way the midwife is during this time frame.

Here’s how I fixed it…
We are an early 30’s, narcissistic pairing. We’re too cheap to pay real money for a photographer with a tasteful, but artistic eye for composition, so we’ll settle for a Craiglist stranger to be present, shooting the most intimate moment of our lives, including the future mom’s vagina exploding with XY chromosomal life while she also takes a dump and moans and groans like a wildebeest who ate bad chicken tikka masala. The attached photos are examples of the kind of work we’re looking for, but unlike the people who paid hundreds of dollars for these, we want MORE for LESS…

We are planning an all-natural water birth. It will not be at a hospital, but instead in the bathroom of our favorite yoga studio where only the two of us and the midwife-in-training (from the local midwifery school) will be present and of course, mindful, in the room. You will have creative license to shoot everything from the parking lot to the first breastfeeding. This isn’t for the squeamish, because at some point the pregnant lady might expel a blood clot from her lady parts or even better might die or stroke out on the table from an eclampsia-related seizure. It doesn’t get more poetic or authentic than death and birth occurring in the same moment. And you will be there to capture it. We’re hoping that you will be creatively inspired and that you might be as talented as we are beautiful in creating some amazing photography…

Dad is a Nordic trustafarian (artist) poser (adorned with hackneyed ink) with Yellow Fever. Mom is an exotic, Japanese spinner with the guts (pun intended) to endure the birth without any of the advantages that modern medicine can provide, including blood transfusions, oxygen at the ready, and a neo-natal unit. All the midwife will need is a catcher’s mitt and a shop towel.

Pay is non-negotiable. We’re hoping you’re so creatively aroused and creepily inspired that you’ll work for free. And don’t even think about bringing your cheap camera and leaving the lighting kit at home. If possible, we’d prefer that you bring at least a Canon D5 Mark II with a macro lens to capture the rupturing of the vagina and sweat on the brow of the newly birthed. If not, and your portfolio shows that you’re worth it, we would be willing to pay $7.00. Please email contact info, a link where we can see some of your work, and 3 storyboard mock-ups to the reply link on this posting. Our gift will be unearthed sometime in the next 8 weeks. You will have to be on-call the same way the midwife is during this time frame, which we know is financially and logistically feasible for such a high pay rate.

Who will accept this honor?

You’re welcome!
Aadip